Touchy Matters

As I had mentioned before I am not very good at opening up but I do want to practice it so it can become easier for me … here it goes.

Broken Family Part 1

I had almost forgotten about this memory and just for that same reason that I didn’t want to awaken it from the very depths. My parents are not the happiest married couple in the world. Sometimes I ask myself how those two can possibly stand each other, they are so different. They argued a lot and still argue a lot. But there was this one time, about 10 years back, where they had the biggest fight that almost tore the family apart. I don’t remember what it was about or I choose not to remember but my mom had enough of it.

My dad had gone off to work that day, and my mom was getting all of our stuff ready so that we could take off before my dad even realized we were gone. We gathered up our clothing in garbage bags as we cried to mami that we didn’t want to go. I think we even deliberately took our time so that dad would come home and stop us. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to go with my mom but it was more of the reason that we didn’t want to get split up. Alas, our dad came home the jig was up. Dad would not let us go. I don’t recall the specifics of that night probably because my sight was blurred from my tears and my hearing was distorted from my little brother’s wailings and probably even some of my own. But I do remember at the end my mom and dad were hugging and we were to remain a family.

Broken Family Part 2

The good old days, those would have to have been when my brothers and I were younger (well at least pertaining to family matters). When we were growing up we lived in a small apartment with a bunch of family living in it but nonetheless we were happy. We had parties where piñatas were broken, candy was eaten and where faces were smooshed into birthday cakes. Those were the good old days. We were all one big happy family consisting of parents, brothers, uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandparents.

Now it’s just basically my mom, my dad, my brothers and I. Where did it all go wrong? Who knows, I don’t think anybody knows but I just know that it’s not the same. Nobody seems to be speaking with my dad and my dad is speaking to nobody from my mom’s side of the family. I have a grandma and uncles living here in Phoenix and I visit them every once in a while but it gets kind of awkward when we leave my dad out while we spend time with our ‘other’ family. Even in past holidays we have left my dad out to visit them because of the family’s stubbornness. It makes me sad. The family never talks about it; it’s kept hidden as if nothing is the matter. There are occasions when the little cousins ask about the location of my dad and we just kind of make an excuse up for him so that no other questions are to be asked. But other than that we keep our hearts quiet. One night I gathered up the guts to bring this up to papi, I tried hard to fight back the tears. My brothers were also in the room and I didn’t want them to see me but I couldn’t help it the tears just started flowing. My throat was hurting from holding in my emotions too long. Nothing was answered that night and still remains as is.

Feeling Lost

Lately I have been feeling empty inside. Nothing seems to fulfill me. Not the activities that I do, not my friends, not even my own family. It’s a feeling that I do not want to have but can’t help feeling. I have realized that I always need to have music playing, as if not to feel alone so that I do not have to listen to myself. I listen to Christian music and that relaxes me a lot, helps me to think positively. But meanwhile when I don’t have music to create that serenity or any other distractions I am gasping for air (literally). It feels as though the air that I breathe is insufficient, feels as though something more refreshing is needed, more powerful.

I have failed to mention this to anybody, going back to the reason that it’s difficult for me to share my feelings. One of the reasons this is so, is because most of the times I don’t even understand myself, so how could explain this to somebody else? The other reason is that I don’t want anyone to worry. I would rather be the one consoling not the one to be consoled. In trying to fill this emptiness, I am trying to be more involved in the community and trying to get closer to God. It’s a work in progress though, I am learning many things and I hope that I can apply them to my life but it’s definitely going to take much effort on my part.

Spending Time with Papi

I knew I wanted to write about my dad when the assignment was described and so I was searching for the reasons on why I look up to my dad so much. He has done so much for us and I realize this now that I am older but I thought to myself “how did I know this at such a young age?” As far as I can remember my dad has always been a hardworking individual and I remember when I was younger he would always be so busy with work that we didn’t exactly see him as often as we would have wanted to. I feel like I am kind of excluding my mom here but don’t get me wrong I love my mom very much as well but there is something about that distancing that drew me closer to him. They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder and in my case I can absolutely agree with this statement. Because my dad was always booked with work during the week, the weekend was the time in which we came together as a family to spend quality time together.

I remember a specific scene in my childhood that I will never forget and that I always seem to talk about when I reminisce on the good old times. On Saturday mornings my dad would get up extra early and buy some delicious homemade tamales from the lady that would sell them in her little puestesito across the street from our apartment complex. He would bring them home with all of us eagerly waiting to munch into the warm goodness. And what would make it even 100 times the better was the soothing pitter patter of the light shower outside and our home filled with the dewy smell of the rain. If you could only smell that aroma! It is one of my fondest memories of scent. The tamales would be passed around the table once, twice, three times until none remained. The windows fogged up as steam overflowed from my chocolate caliente. I don’t even recall what we spoke of but only that there was complete peace and joy in that place. Yes, the tamales, chocolate and rain made the setting perfect but without my dad there that bliss that we had around the table would have been nonexistent. We all rejoiced in taking time to appreciate that our dad was home.

Fate

It had been about six years since my brothers and I hadn’t seen our aunts or cousins. We were all very excited to visit them in Indiana. We were expecting very cold weather, you know snowstorms and of the like, and so packed very warm for the trip. As we picked up our luggage in the overcrowded room, I searched around the room looking for my aunt. I could not find her if my life depended on it, she said she would be waiting in front of the gift shop but was nowhere to be found. I decided to give her a call and as the phone was ringing I saw a small lady with a little boy attached to her hand pick up her phone, I couldn’t believe it she was right in front of me the whole time but I just didn’t recognize her. I rushed over and gave her a huge hug as I towered over her and the little boy and hadn’t remembered being that much taller than her. It was so great being able to see her again, she was one of my favorite aunts growing up, I would follow her everywhere and cry every time she left the room (well this is what they told me, I was too young to recall). I looked down at the little boy and asked him his name, he answered shyly, “Luuis.” I asked him if he knew who I was, he paused and then replied, “My sister.” We all laughed, I guess he didn’t fully understand that we are cousins and just knew that we are related in some way. As we spent more time with them I realized that there was something different. My aunt just seemed a lot happier. During our stay there she would always be singing praises to the Lord, at the dinner table, in the car rides, pretty much anywhere. At first I thought it was pretty weird. I hadn’t seen her like this before but after a while I wanted to have this same passion, I wanted to share in this happiness that she had. After coming back home I wanted things to change, I began to get more involved at church and am starting to understand that joyfulness that my aunt has.

About Me

Hi!
I’m a pre-med/nursing student seeking to become a better writer. Ever since graduating high school I thought I could get away with not taking another writing class. So thus far I have been avoiding English classes but I have learned that this cannot happen. I really do want to improve my writing skills but I also think that this class will allow me to open up more for I am a very reserved person. I am not very good at sharing my feelings and thoughts and I hope that this will not be the case by the end of this course.
I was born in Van Nuys, California and moved to Arizona when I was around 6 years old so I do not have much memory of it. For the most part I do like Az, no earthquakes and the weather has been exceptionally nice recently. During the winter break while there was really not much to do I have been trying to learn how to play the dusty keyboard that I own through youtube videos. Spirituality has become a big part of my life, my family and I attend mass every Sunday. I am trying to get more involved in the community and am in the process of becoming a Eucharistic minister at Good Samaritan Hospital. Well, I hope that you all can kind of get an idea of the kind of a person that I am through this blog, I am open to any suggestions that you may have for me and hope that we all have a great semester!:)