As I had mentioned before I am not very good at opening up but I do want to practice it so it can become easier for me … here it goes.
Broken Family Part 1
I had almost forgotten about this memory and just for that same reason that I didn’t want to awaken it from the very depths. My parents are not the happiest married couple in the world. Sometimes I ask myself how those two can possibly stand each other, they are so different. They argued a lot and still argue a lot. But there was this one time, about 10 years back, where they had the biggest fight that almost tore the family apart. I don’t remember what it was about or I choose not to remember but my mom had enough of it.
My dad had gone off to work that day, and my mom was getting all of our stuff ready so that we could take off before my dad even realized we were gone. We gathered up our clothing in garbage bags as we cried to mami that we didn’t want to go. I think we even deliberately took our time so that dad would come home and stop us. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to go with my mom but it was more of the reason that we didn’t want to get split up. Alas, our dad came home the jig was up. Dad would not let us go. I don’t recall the specifics of that night probably because my sight was blurred from my tears and my hearing was distorted from my little brother’s wailings and probably even some of my own. But I do remember at the end my mom and dad were hugging and we were to remain a family.
Broken Family Part 2
The good old days, those would have to have been when my brothers and I were younger (well at least pertaining to family matters). When we were growing up we lived in a small apartment with a bunch of family living in it but nonetheless we were happy. We had parties where piñatas were broken, candy was eaten and where faces were smooshed into birthday cakes. Those were the good old days. We were all one big happy family consisting of parents, brothers, uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandparents.
Now it’s just basically my mom, my dad, my brothers and I. Where did it all go wrong? Who knows, I don’t think anybody knows but I just know that it’s not the same. Nobody seems to be speaking with my dad and my dad is speaking to nobody from my mom’s side of the family. I have a grandma and uncles living here in Phoenix and I visit them every once in a while but it gets kind of awkward when we leave my dad out while we spend time with our ‘other’ family. Even in past holidays we have left my dad out to visit them because of the family’s stubbornness. It makes me sad. The family never talks about it; it’s kept hidden as if nothing is the matter. There are occasions when the little cousins ask about the location of my dad and we just kind of make an excuse up for him so that no other questions are to be asked. But other than that we keep our hearts quiet. One night I gathered up the guts to bring this up to papi, I tried hard to fight back the tears. My brothers were also in the room and I didn’t want them to see me but I couldn’t help it the tears just started flowing. My throat was hurting from holding in my emotions too long. Nothing was answered that night and still remains as is.
Feeling Lost
Lately I have been feeling empty inside. Nothing seems to fulfill me. Not the activities that I do, not my friends, not even my own family. It’s a feeling that I do not want to have but can’t help feeling. I have realized that I always need to have music playing, as if not to feel alone so that I do not have to listen to myself. I listen to Christian music and that relaxes me a lot, helps me to think positively. But meanwhile when I don’t have music to create that serenity or any other distractions I am gasping for air (literally). It feels as though the air that I breathe is insufficient, feels as though something more refreshing is needed, more powerful.
I have failed to mention this to anybody, going back to the reason that it’s difficult for me to share my feelings. One of the reasons this is so, is because most of the times I don’t even understand myself, so how could explain this to somebody else? The other reason is that I don’t want anyone to worry. I would rather be the one consoling not the one to be consoled. In trying to fill this emptiness, I am trying to be more involved in the community and trying to get closer to God. It’s a work in progress though, I am learning many things and I hope that I can apply them to my life but it’s definitely going to take much effort on my part.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Diana,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing those thoughts. That must have been an extremely difficult assignment for you to get through, but you did a wonderful job expressing your feelings. Family is always a hard subject to deal with, especially when it doesn't seem to be going just right. In regards to your second topic, I think family always seems so much fuller and together when you're young. I feel the same way about my family and its hard dealing with a change like that. It makes you feel kind of alone.
I really enjoyed your last topic as well and I'm glad you chose to reveal that information. It's hard to admit to the world when your unhappy and feeling that way. But know that its okay to feel that way. You are a wonderful writer and I think you should try keeping a journal (if you dont already) to help express yourself in a healthy way. Writing always helps me clear my head and figure things out.
Looking forward to reading more of your posts
--Arthi
I completely understand all three of your topics. My parents are like east and west, day and night. Oftentimes, I find myself counting down the days until they divorce...it's only a matter of time. Furthermore, both sides of my family are completely screwed up. I have four Aunts on my mom's side, yet we only speak to one. As far as my dad's side of the family goes, he has two sisters and one brother -- we only speak to his oldest sister. Lastly, I understand how hard it can be to explain your feelings to other people when you, yourself, doesn't even understand them. I find myself doing this very same thing a lot. I think about a lot of things -- my boyfriend says I think too much. I do and the only thing that prevents me from doing so is if I can somehow distract myself from feeling or being alone. Thank you for sharing your stories and I hope you know that it's rare to have the capability to write about things that relate to and touch another person. Great job!
ReplyDeleteFamily troubles are a hard topic because of their personal nature... but the good thing about it is that almost everyone can relate to it in one way or another. I for example can connect with the tears and frustration you share, as well as the inability to communicate your feelings to your father.
ReplyDeleteI think sharing our thoughts and seeing how we put them to paper, is a really good way of translating how we really feel. The best is to try not to 'think' and just 'write'... you can always edit or scrap it later. Keeping a personal journal (if you can! I've tried and failed many times) is so helpful. It's like writing a letter to yourself.
Great job! You shared a lot and I thank you for all your efforts to tell us how you feel.